The changing of the seasons, both literal and figurative

Friends, today was the first day it truly felt like fall. It wasn't overwhelmingly hot and at 2pm, I felt like it was at least 430 and I needed a nap. The seemingly endless days are finally giving way to long nights. I can't decide what makes me feel this way, but in the fall (and more so in the winter), I get the sense of permanent midnight. This, of course, is not the same permanent midnight that Jerry Stahl experienced, however it is an overwhelming sense of darkness that envelops everything around you. Permanent midnight is cold, usually with dense fog.

The few years past (excluding last year) have all felt the same. I seem to stay up far too late into the night, seeing everything that happens in the middle of the night, be it marketing for Buzz Ballads, the lone security guard walking all over campus with his walkie talkie turned up loud so he doesn't feel alone or even the madness that is the internet in the middle of the night. I've written before that I feel overwhelmingly alone in the middle of the night, but this year something has felt different. Things certainly have changed in my life. Before, I would only sit and watch TV or go on the internet and felt increasingly isolated from the rest of the world, considering the rest of the people awake were either thousands of miles away or completely insane. Now, I generally find myself trying to be somewhat constructive at 3 or 4 in the morning, either cleaning something in the apartment, working on projects or cooking meals for the next day or two.

Overall, it doesn't sound that bad. Insomnia is a young man's game and I'm still young, however this opens me up to a whole bunch of other things that aren't particularly exciting. I get sick more often, I feel like the living dead and seriously, what the hell business do I have being up that late anyways?

Tonight was a strange night. It is the first time I actually feel tired and just want to go to bed without accomplishing anything. I've been reading Calvin and Hobbes all night, thinking about childhood and the seasons in our lives. This weekend, I had the privilege of seeing Ian Mackaye from Minor Threat/Fugazi/Dischord fame speak. He basically said that "living in phases" or "growing up" is a fallacy, because we don't have less capacity as children, we just give ourselves that excuse. While I agree with that theory, considering how many remarkable children I've met over the years, I still believe that there are seasons for everything in our lives and that things aren't meant to happen all at once.

Reflecting on that which Mackaye would refer to as my "salad days," I can see clearly that I've got some good days coming my way. If Calvin and Hobbes taught me anything, it's that all you need in life is good friends, deep conversations and hugs. Nothing else matters because if you've got those things, you can conquer the world.

ps.